I think I have hit the wall; I'm falling sick. Ill exposure from the over exposure of my current life. It's been months with headstrong activities, an ongoing train marching ahead where the only stops are you jumping off to get on to next on a different track. Where has it all taken me? somewhere.
Am I there yet? No.
Just before leaving for Jakarta; I felt the first indication - my bones were rattling, felt my body wanted to collapse, and my mind too numb to process any major discussion which mostly led me to being very quiet. I needed rest within.
Right now, I'm all showered and dead tired and because I can't sleep till my hair is dry. No, I don't have a hairdryer, and no, my hair isn't as long as my yearbook collection either. I have tried sleeping with hair being wet, wasn't a good feeling at all. And usually, I watch tv or read before bed anyway. I rarely do the former now.
I have been wanting to do some writing but time did not permit, my schedule had locked me down. I can barely make sense of my current life pulse at the moment. Thankfully, I know the maker knows my needs and the rest needed and He has been providing it sufficiently. I'm grateful that there is always an extra source to count on during pressured moments as in such circumstances.
Work exposure has been extremely insane yet opening up so many doors. The amount of opportunities thrown in has been a delightful one but does not go without the required conditions. Time plan succession has been well in progress and it's been great to clear the first month. Now, it's about keeping up the pace. And that I definitely need help and much strength to sustain.
I have been on the road so much. I have been traveling so much generally. The mind, the heart - the thoughts and emotions - they too have been at lengthy travels. We're all very tired now.
Mentally exhausted. Physically tired. Emotionally drained. I am human.
Humanly enough, I'm thankful for friends around me who has been supportive and actively encouraging my path. Just the smiles on their faces, or reassurance through their messages has been a comforting one. It surely helps me when I am as near a dead wood, I dig up old messages for reflection and read emails or chats as a perk to a calm. Peace in simplicity.
But as we all know it, the human body can only take so much and I face the potential of falling ill and if that takes place; it's gonna hit me hard. I can't afford that right now. I have not even taken any of my replacement leave yet for the extra hours I have put in. You could say I'm saving up but not entirely the case either.
I just feel a sense of ownership and responsibility that the work of my hands are involved in. It matters to me.
I'm still young, relatively. I feel very much so, so my urge to run still strokes deep within me. I must admit however, this year has been a challenging one where I felt being stretched in many ways - through my work, my personal life, my relationship with God, my involvement with Footstool and PJ EFC harvest ministry, and relationship with others. Taking a quick reflection, it has been a year of great learning for me. I'm still processing the many choices I have made this year and comforting to know of the choices made in God frame has benefited me most in my walk with Him.
I say this so simply now because I can't put it any other way - I can't see how I can live without God because my dependance on Him surpasses my every ability and knowledge. The things I do now is too big for me to grasp and in years to come, there are gonna be bigger things ahead and I can't see myself sustaining without Him.
I am glad I got that part of my life right, finally. And I hope to get it right daily, by god's grace. oh how we know our tended fickle souls :)
When I felt my heart wanting to tear itself up during my badminton game; it dawned on me that my fitness has hit an all time low. honestly, I barely break a sweat nowadays. Exercise is like waking up to smell the fresh air. The only thing I smell off late is my checklist counter at work. I told myself, "I need to get back in - time to shape up"
But right now - some rest is due. It's long overdue. I have tried to balance to the best of my abilities but it has taken a toll on me. I'm officially drained.
My only prayer and resolution? To ask God to keep my feelings balanced with the truth of His word.
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